The 7 Types of Douchebags You’ll Meet at a Bar or Club
October 3, 2009 by Will
Filed under Dating Tips, Funny
We’ve all seen these guys in clubs. It”s guaranteed that if you’re going to a bar or club, you would have bumped into one of these 7 Types of Douchebags. The fact of the matter is, we all enjoy loathing them on some basic level. Maybe after reading this article you’ll start questioning yourself, “Was I or am I really like that?” or “Am I really Douchebag??” If you recognize yourself in the following 7 Types, don’t fret – the first step to move away from your Douchebaggery is acknowledgment.
From Wallflower to Alpha Douche, we’ve profiled each type of guy for this tongue-in-cheek Non-Definitive Guide to the 7 Types of Douchebags You’ll Meet at a Bar or a Club:
Check out the companion article, “The 11 Types of Women That You’ll Meet at a Bar or Club”
The Wallflower – also known as the “shy guy,” he looks out of his element, like a fish out of water. Although very nice and overall “good guy”, the wallflower is a delicate species that likes to cling to the bar or walls while living vicariously through other guys who are actively meeting, sharing their positive energy and smiling with everyone – girls and guys. You can identify them near the bar or perimeter of the dance floor while tightly clasping their drinks.
The Man on a Mission – he’s the guy that is machine gunning through groups of girls for his sole purpose while out that night – to hook up. He is a believer in the Law of Averages, and eventually, after enough tries – maybe he’ll get lucky. The Man on a Mission is devoid of any social grace or charm, is all business – to identify that one girl so he can take her back home to his nerd dungeon.
The Weird Pickup guy – he’s picked up a copy of “The Game
The Pushover – He may be a combination of the Wallflower. He’s there, but not really there. In a sense, he’s there because he wants to get social validation and approval from peers. He was probably strung along because he has a car and hasn’t cultivated a strong identity for himself yet. He fits the “provider” role for women, overly nice to everyone, buys drinks, provides rides to AND from the club, but at the end of the night he isn’t “that guy” women naturally gravitate towards.
The Social Leech – he’s the tag along, who knows a lot of people, but doesn’t provide any real value to friends apart from just “showing up”. He thinks he knows what he’s doing but unconscious of why people aren’t actively inviting him out when he thinks he’s “such a fun and nice guy.” He’s always on the lookout for the next big event to show up to. Also prone to mass texting barrages asking “wht r u sayin’ 2nite?”
The Phantom – he is the terror that comes out at night, leering, looking out for his next opening and before you know it, he’s slithered his way behind a girl without her consent. Can be identified by his gyrating his hips in an obscene manner – facial expressions included. The presence of The Phantom warrants an immediate response through rapid and clandestine communications systems devised by the victim’s girlfriends and social circle.
The Alpha Douche – ego driven and self-aggrandizing; he thinks he’s the shit because he barks and talks over everyone, while trying to be dominant and in control of the situation. Prone to pick fights and sees girls he’s with as “property”. Can be identified wearing Abercrombie and Hollister polos and a shit-eating grin while “scoping out the talent.” 
What are some of the characters you’ve met or seen? Let’s hear your stories in the comments below 
If you found this funny, check out the companion article, “The 11 Types of Women That You’ll Meet at a Bar or Club”
Related posts:
wtf is your problem with dissing people that wear hollister or abercrombie.
Hey Peter, I have nothing against people who wear Hollister or Abercrombie. The clothing they make is high quality and stylish. In fact, I own a few items from both places.
This was article was written tongue-in-cheek and was more a joke than anything else and intended to humour people.
Haha Will, these are pretty good. So where are the "good, normal" guys? …Oh that's right, those guys wouldn't go to a club! Honestly girls, walk down the street to a laid back Irish pub, and I'm sure you'll find some decent men there.
The phantom is my (least) fav! Who thinks it's ok to come up to a girl and without even saying "Hello, my name is…" starts pushing his denim-covered… well you know… against her? So not cool! At least have the balls to look us in the face and say hello before you start. …On second thought, that'd be pretty funny if someone did that! "Hello! *gyrates*"
The Phantom is your least fave? So who IS your fave of the 7 Types of these guys?
Least fav in real life! Most fav on this list! Hence the ()s
Will, awesome article!!! Love the descriptions for: "the pushover", "the wallflower" and "the weird pickup guy". The "weird pickup guys" often have … a smell to them. You can sense them from wayyyy farrrrrrrr.
you forgot to mention that the phantom is normally an ed hardy-wearing gotti brothers lookalike. Ed Hardy – for rich people who have no idea how to spend their money : )
bahahah this is hilarious! you hit the nail on the head with most of them!
bahahah this is hilarious! you hit the nail on the head with most of them!
HAHAH i know who that guy in the blue shirt is….and he's a total douche bag….hahah just kidding.
HAHAH i know who that guy in the blue shirt is….and he's a total douche bag….hahah just kidding.
Sweet jesus, finally someone wrote about this! I used to be best friends with a guy until he bought “The Game” and it totally took over his life. All he talked about was how to pick up women and explaining the book to me. I of course didn't care having had a girlfriend for over 2 years at that point. Finally our friendship took a nosedive as he decided picking up drunk chicks by using other peoples “pick-up” lines and their style. This guy talks a huge wrap about how great his life is and how much fun he has getting a new chick every night. It's actually just pathetic how he has no personality and is fake as can be. I pity people like him.
Hey Squid – yeah,
I was reflecting on my own experiences and observations over the years when I wrote this article. Living that sort of lifestyle for prolonged periods of time will wear away the soul and alienate people who live “healthy and balanced” lifestyles.
Good on you for distancing yourself from a potentially toxic friendship.
Exactly. I swear anyone who wears Ed Hardy is just that: 'Rich and has no idea how to dress'
Because your an idiot for wearing clothes that are sold already ripped and faded lame-o!