Is Chivalry Dead?

September 20, 2009 by Will
Filed under Dating Tips

“Chivalry is dead – men aren’t gentleman anymore… and women killed it” – Dave Chapelle

Is chivalry dead? This was a simple question posed on my friend, Emma’s blog post and it inspired me to revisit this intensely debated issue amongst women who are dating or in relationships; one that is often overlooked, dismissed and neglected by men.

In Emma’s post she writes:

So I have to say, the impression that chivalry is dying has stayed with me. It is, unfortunately, not the only example of this kind of behaviour from a male counterpart. It seems most guys are more wrapped up in either: a. achieving their goals or b. themselves, than making a good impression on their dates.

I want to use Emma’s quote to exemplify the sentiment expressed and shared by many women today.

According to Dictionary.com, Chivalry is defined as:

The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
A manifestation of any of these qualities.

With the definition in mind, showing common courtesies like opening the door, pulling the chair out, walking on the outside of the sidewalk or who should pay are overanalyzed, misconstrued and can turn into a minefield where men feel they have to tread carefully. These acts are often avoided altogether for fear of being judged and politically incorrect. With the right intentions and mindset, however, the entire problem of offending or coming of as a ‘chauvanistic pig’ or ‘insensitive jerk’ can be avoided altogether.

Quoting Dave Chapelle was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but I believe there’s a certain truth to it. However, the blame doesn’t solely rest on women’s shoulders, as men it’s our responsibility to shoulder some of the blame as well for letting chivalry or some semblance of it slowly slip away.

So is chivalry dead? To answer this question simply – No, it’s not dead – it’s alive and well. In fact, it’s taking on a different form. It is not a magical trait held by only a “lucky few”. The ‘Modern Gentleman’ as I like to call it, is not born, but taught.

What led to this?

I want to delve into why there’s a trend in the attitude of women who decry that there’s a lack of ‘real men’ out there who have a sense of purpose, passion, know themselves and what they want in life and go after it. Basically, these are the men who have taken the time to get their shit figured out and are taking the actions of doing they want to do. They think and act in a way that is congruent with their personality, are aware of the nuances of contemporary society and the social dynamics that have evolved with it.

There is confusion in gender roles and along the way; men have lost their sense of direction including how they should interact with women today. With the advent of the Women’s Rights Movement (the Movement) in the 1960’s, the traditional role of men as provider and protector has gradually been eroded. Roles have overlapped and both men and women are up in arms of how they should act whether dating or in relationships today.

Women have proven and made it abundantly clear that they are capable of being self-sufficient and protect themselves. But underneath their tough exterior of being a ‘modern woman’ there is a yearning for some semblance of tradition by the majority of women. That is, having a sense of feeling protected and taken care of – all without the loss of equality, respect and feeling indebted.

The whole point of the Movement was that women were to be recognized equals, but somewhere along the way it was warped into the notion that men and women are the same. The goal was equality; the result was sameness.

This is where things can go wrong because of the lack of sexual polarity between men and women – otherwise known as characteristics assigned to what is known as the ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’. There are clear differences in how males and females think that are founded in evolutionary biology and psychology (which is an entirely different topic, which might be explored later on). The lack of the masculine and feminine that were traditionally and clearly defined before have given way to this overlap and intermixing of roles and responsibilities. Without masculine and feminine polarity, like the poles of magnets, attraction is lost and relationships become neutral and eventually stagnate.

However, on top of this already complex and highly nuanced topic of gender roles, relations and tying it to the concept of chivalry, there are other problems tied to the concept of chivalry as well.

The problem of acting chivalrous versus BEING chivalrous

The number one problem with being “chivalrous” is that there’s an expectation of some outcome, be it a kiss or something more. Further, this mindset of chivalry is only turned on when they’re on a date or “out to impress the ladies”. Men who put on the act of being chivalrous to “get something” will fail every single time because women can sense this and see right through it.

In fact, I’d say make it simpler for yourself and drop thinking of what may or may not be “chivalrous” altogether and just be a compassionate and caring human being. If you can buy a drink or hold a door for the woman you’re trying to impress but you can’t do it for the elderly person down the bar from you, you’ve failed and you’re missing the whole point. When you’re showing love and compassion to people and when you make it a part of yourself, this mindset will get your further than using chivalry as some sort of “tool.”

By no stretch of the imagination that I’m encouraging all men and woman to uphold the concept of the traditional concept of “chivalry,” rather I’m encouraging being considerate and amplifying love fully and completely. Be the person you want to be around.

A Renaissance

Chivalry is something that is continually practiced and cultivated over time – it is an art, way of being and not used as a ‘tool.’ A lot of people assert that it’s the byproduct of a “good upbringing” where being polite, having manners, being considerate, empathetic – all the values and virtues that embody being a decent human being. This is only part of the explanation where the concept of chivalry is made a part of a man’s way of interacting with women.

So where do men stand today if the traditional roles of provider and protector are eroded and the effects of the Movement have come into full force? Quite simply, women want us to express ourselves fully, to genuinely like them, adore them, celebrate and to delight in them and make them feel delighted.

I’ll make a blanket statement here in that the mass of men are lacking a purpose in life that’s greater than them. The journey in become a “man” has become lost and there isn’t traditional a “rites of passage” in becoming a man anymore. What we’re lacking today, as men, is that talk with our fathers that many of us haven’t had.

But over time, things change and we as society must change in order to adapt the dynamic that has unraveled since the movement and maintaining the almost impossible juggling act of maintaining a polarity between the sexes. There isn’t a clearly defined approach to having refreshing interactions between men and women

The Modern Gentleman is a hybrid of masculine traits of having purpose, passion and who are also sensitive, compassionate and caring. This is a man who does things for his own reasons that resonate with his core. The Modern Gentleman is a friend to women, respect, adore and are delighted in the presence of women. The Modern Gentleman genuinely loves and appreciates women, celebrates them and tells them so without fear of rejection, loss or pain, because he has a greater purpose in life that doesn’t solely revolve around women.

My Closing Remarks

If you’re really into the woman you just met, act on it! Express yourself fully in a way that’s honest and authentic. Play and be playful with feminine energy that a woman exudes. Be the real you – no facades, masks or being something you’re not. I say it’s better to be blown off right off the bat when you’re being direct and honest because a man has an immense respect for women, for themselves and for their time. Being able to do all this takes action and failure, but it doesn’t hinder you or throw you off from being true to yourself, your fundamental desires as a man and your purpose.

Take note that I’m not downplaying the importance of the Movement, as it was badly needed and necessary in lifting oppression and discrimination of women in traditional patriarchal society. Without being critical of any school of thought or philosophy, you can get lost in the rhetoric and not taking into consideration in whether or not it fits into your own set of values and beliefs. Adopt what works for you and discard what doesn’t so it becomes your own philosophy and way of moving through the world.

Sooo… what do you guys think? Give me a piece of your mind in the comments