He’s Just Not That Into You Book Review
August 8, 2009 by Will
Filed under Books, Dating Tips, Reviews
The little book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo who are consultant and writer respectively, for the hit HBO TV show Sex and the City caught the attention of women by storm. It was eventually featured on Oprah, and then later catapulted to become a hit movie back in February 2009, that was embraced by fans of the book and casual movie-goers.
It’s a relatively quick read and although the book is a bit “dated”, its purpose is to hammer home the point “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU” and break the pattern of women entering into relationships that span from toxic to being a complete waste of time.
The book captures the majority of possible “real-world” scenarios and its different variations of what women might be experiencing in their relationships and dating lives.
Here’s a brief overview of the titles of the chapters in the book:
He’s Just Not That Into You If…
• He doesn’t call you
• He isn’t dating you
• He only wants to see you when he’s drunk
• He’s Having Sex with someone else (cheating)
• He’s breaking up with you
• He doesn’t want to marry you
Of course you might think that women who are in these situations call out for common sense to kick in and say “No duh”, but sometimes it takes a book like this to make that profound realization that it might be better to cut your losses, ditch the “loser” and move on towards a getting into a healthy relationship.
In my estimation and talks with my girl-friends, just these chapters alone would account for more than 70% of the headaches and time wasted on over-analyzing the situation rather than concluding the fact that he’s just not that into me and bypassing all that hassle.
Their formula for each chapter goes first goes into a newspaper dating column style that goes along the lines of this:
• Letters written in by Reader (the scenario) followed by a response from the author
• It’s so simple! (Insert epiphany)
• Here’s why it’s hard – acknowledgement by Liz to give Greg more credibility from the female perspective
• Here’s what it should look like – this is the call to action
• Greg, I get it! – an example of an epiphany by a reader
• Recap
• Homework
Upon reading the book you’ll notice the clear themes throughout the book are:
• Set Higher Standards for yourself and the people you date – and don’t settle. You intuitively know what feels right and deserve better!
• You are worth it – remember and realize it.
The simple point of the statement “He’s Just Not That Into You” is a cold dose of reality and profound as it breaks the thought cycle of constantly making up excuses to justify men’s (often stupid) behaviours to talk straight.
After reading the phrase “He’s Just Not That Into You” after their millionth time of hammering the point home and the reader finally “gets it” – as I’ve been told by some friends who have read it, you see the entire world of dating in a whole new and empowering light.
HERE’S THE THING THOUGH …
My opinion is that while the book is funny and empowering in helping recognize that certain men can be truly toxic, it fails to touch upon the simple fact that the responsibility falls on your shoulders to take a hard look at yourself and improving your dating life by working on yourself.
Perhaps you hold ingrained unconscious patterns of behaviour that might have otherwise prevented a connection to be made, and the problem lies within you to correct rather than solely placing the blame on the other party, which some people might misconstrue as one of the core messages of the book when it isn’t.
Their “self-help” check lists and multiple choice quizzes just don’t cut it in getting to the root of the issue. While the purpose of the book isn’t to be an all-encompassing self-help book for relationships, it certainly helps women recognize the symptoms and tell-tale signs of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and otherwise being stuck in a toxic relationship.
In addition to that, another thing to be wary of is that they suggest in the book that you “should assume rejection first” and “assume that you’re the rule not the exception.” While helpful at first for those who need some sense slapped into them, the process of thinking for yourself and trusting your intuition need to replace this hard and fast rule. It’s never as black and white as that as you might have experienced already.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
We all want to be loved, feel validated and know that there’s someone out there in the world we could consider as a best friend, lover and teammate. We’ve been taught through years of social conditioning coupled with mainstream media programming, Disney movies and insipid dating advice columns and talk shows that reinforce the idea that “the one” (the dashingly handsome and charming fellow that you’ve dreamed of) will show up and sweep your off – all that has been force fed to you for years.
In an ideal world, both parties that start dating or enter into a relationship are completely honest and transparent in their intentions and what the future may hold for each other, with no drama, hassle, or heartbreak. However, in getting better at the dating game, it’s my opinion that you learn from trial and error.
If you’re particularly savvy about getting this area of your life handled, keeping a journal and carefully scrutinize your behaviours and thoughts while you were dating to see if you can pick up on any patterns that you might not have otherwise noticed certainly helps.
More than anything, I’d classify the book as a “gateway book” into more comprehensive dating, relationship advice or self-help books that treat the root of the issue rather than only treating the symptoms of a dysfunctional dating life.
Just remember that there’s an entire world out there and plenty of men who are out there who fall over themselves to be in a healthy, nurturing and loving relationship with you. This book will help you realize that.
Let us know what you thought of the movie or book in the comments!
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